If your children come telling you their problems, what should you do? Listen.
How to be a Good Listener
Avoid the following:
#1 - Listening while your mind is occupied elsewhere.
Your child knows and feels that you are not with him when you just stare at him while your mind is somewhere else and say, "Yes, yes, continue."
Listening is not to just be there by body. You should concentrate on what is being said and make him feel that you are giving him importance.
#2 - Pretending that you are listening.
If you cannot listen because you view his problem as trivial or silly, then know that although you see it as something insignificant and trivial, it is something very big for him. Feel what he is feeling.
Pretending that you are listening is hypocrisy.
#3 - Selective hearing
Your son is talking about a particular topic. In the middle you suddenly tell him, "I told you to do such-and-such”
He is talking about something and you are talking about something else. Before you accuse your children, take care of yourself. Your child will become frustrated when he realizes that you are not listening to him.
#4 - Listening to the words only. Listen to the meaning and empathize with what your child is feeling.
#5 - Listening while thinking about yourself and your experience.
E.g. “I know exactly how you feel....."
They are coming with their own problem, leave yourself aside. If you relate their problems to yourself, three things will happen:
a) You will issue judgements before your child finishes explaining.
b) You will give provocative advices without comprehending the problem. Listen to him until the end and then think of a solution. If you make judgements or advise him before he finishes talking, it will provoke him and make him angry.
c) You will cut the subject off or change it because you want to quickly finish with him.
Your child has rights on you. You should listen to him until the end, even if what he is saying is not important to you. Do not cut the conversation short, he will be frustrated and not share anything he is going through with you thereafter.
Communication between the parent and child requires the following:
a) Knowledge.
You should have knowledge about this stage of their life.
b) Listening carefully to what the child is saying while trying to understand their feelings and point of view. Listen before you give any judgement or decision.
c) Leaving whatever you are doing and listening to him when he talks. Give him attention.
d) Making your communication positive. Do not only focus on correcting the mistakes of your child. Talk about the positive in the problem before you talk about the negatives.
We set ourselves as perpetual correctors over our children. Focus on the positive; attract their hearts before you talk about the negative.
e) Playing with your daughter or son. Go for a ride together. Go for a picnic together. Go for a meal together. Partake with your son or daughter in what interests them. This will strengthen your relationship with them.
f) Not talking too much, giving too many details, repeating what you say, or asking too many questions. Teenagers do not like detail. They are hasty and like everything fast. When you sit down and talk and talk and talk you are torturing them, because this is something against his nature.
Rather, let him be the one that talks. You should be a good listener and let them express as much as they want. Teenagers like to express their feelings and emotions, so understand and appreciate that in them.
g) Emphathizing with how he feels. It is not a must that both of you agree, but make him feel that you feel what he feels. If he is sad then share his sadness with him. If he is happy, be happy with him.
عَنْ عَائِشَةَ ـ رضى الله عنها ـ قَالَتْ قَالَ لِي رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم " إِنِّي لأَعْلَمُ إِذَا كُنْتِ عَنِّي رَاضِيَةً، وَإِذَا كُنْتِ عَلَىَّ غَضْبَى ". قَالَتْ فَقُلْتُ مِنْ أَيْنَ تَعْرِفُ ذَلِكَ فَقَالَ " أَمَّا إِذَا كُنْتِ عَنِّي رَاضِيَةً فَإِنَّكِ تَقُولِينَ لاَ وَرَبِّ مُحَمَّدٍ، وَإِذَا كُنْتِ غَضْبَى قُلْتِ لاَ وَرَبِّ إِبْرَاهِيمَ ". قَالَتْ قُلْتُ أَجَلْ وَاللَّهِ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ، مَا أَهْجُرُ إِلاَّ اسْمَكَ.
Narrated Aisha: That Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said to her, "I know when you are pleased with me or angry with me." I said, "Whence do you know that?" He said, "When you are pleased with me, you say, 'No, by the Lord of Muhammad,' but when you are angry with me, then you say, 'No, by the Lord of Abraham.' " Thereupon I said, "Yes (you are right), but by Allah, O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), I leave nothing but your name.” [Bukhari]
Know what the person in front of you is feeling. The person in front of you should not be sad while you are laughing at him.
h) Do not let your reactions be over the top.
If he says something that irritates you, control yourself. If he speaks foolishly, do not overreact. He does not realize. Listen to him, then guide him.
i) Try to create situations through which communication happens.
Parents complain that there is no communication between them and their children. But you have to build that bridge of communication. If there is nothing to talk about, raise an issue.
j) Try to avoid conflicts and arguments of power. Do not try to prove to your son that you are the mother the father, the director, the one in responsible. Do not listen or talk with that attitude. Be a friend to him.
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