بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
تربية المراهقين
Tarbiyah of Teenagers
When your daughter or son reaches the age of puberty you have to make it clear to them that they are now responsible for themselves, their deeds, and their guidance. The Angels are now writing their utterances and actions. They have to ask Allah for guidance and take the means of attaining it. It is your responsibility to make them aware of this fact.
There were many teenagers around the Prophet ﷺ, such as Ibn Umar رضي الله عنهما who was born ten years before the Hijrah. He was fifteen years old during the Battle of the Trench. Ibn Abbas رضي الله عنهما was born three years before the Hijrah. He was only thirteen when the Prophet ﷺ died. Zubair Ibn Al-Awwam رضي الله عنه embraced Islam when he was 17 and his wife Asmaa رضي الله عنها was 14. The began faith and Islam when they were young. They fought for Islam and left their families for the sake of supporting Islam and the Prophet ﷺ. Muadh Ibn Jabal, Jundub, and Osama Ibn Zaid رضي الله عنهم were all young. Most of the Companions were teenagers.
How did the Prophet ﷺ build up their Character?
#1 - He first focused on faith.
He ﷺ tried his best to strengthen the relationship of that teenage companion with Allah.
Jundub رضي الله عنه said:
كُنَّا مَعَ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ وَنَحْنُ فِتْيَانٌ حَزَاوِرَةٌ فَتَعَلَّمْنَا الْإِيمَانَ قَبْلَ أَنْ نَتَعَلَّمَ الْقُرْآنَ ثُمَّ تَعَلَّمْنَا الْقُرْآنَ فَازْدَدْنَا بِهِ إِيمَانًا
“We were with the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, while we were strong young boys. We learned faith before we learned the Quran, then we learned the Quran and it strengthened our faith.” [Ibn Majah #61]
The Prophet ﷺ taught the teenagers step by step. First he focused on faith, especially belief in Allah. Then they learnt the Qur'an and accordingly they increased in faith. He ﷺ observed the teenagers, guided them gently, and ordered them without strictness. This is how we have to deal with teenagers.
This Hadith emphasizes that priorities should be considered when we bring our teenagers up. Do not order them to change their hairstyle, clothes, etc. It is more important to focus on their heart and thoughts. Increase their faith and they will then change their hairstyle and everything else.
It also teaches us to fill their their hearts with faith before we make them memorize the Quran. Do not neglect faith before memorization. There is no use in making them memorize whilst their hearts are neglected. When you teach them the Quran, teach them the articles of faith in the Surah they memorized.
How did the Prophet ﷺ teach the Companions faith?
عَنِ ابْنِ عُمَرَ، قَالَ كُنْتُ غُلاَمًا شَابًّا عَزَبًا فِي عَهْدِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَكُنْتُ أَبِيتُ فِي الْمَسْجِدِ، وَكَانَ مَنْ رَأَى مَنَامًا قَصَّهُ عَلَى النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقُلْتُ اللَّهُمَّ إِنْ كَانَ لِي عِنْدَكَ خَيْرٌ فَأَرِنِي مَنَامًا يُعَبِّرُهُ لِي رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم، فَنِمْتُ فَرَأَيْتُ مَلَكَيْنِ أَتَيَانِي فَانْطَلَقَا بِي، فَلَقِيَهُمَا مَلَكٌ آخَرُ فَقَالَ لِي لَنْ تُرَاعَ، إِنَّكَ رَجُلٌ صَالِحٌ، فَانْطَلَقَا بِي إِلَى النَّارِ، فَإِذَا هِيَ مَطْوِيَّةٌ كَطَىِّ الْبِئْرِ، وَإِذَا فِيهَا نَاسٌ قَدْ عَرَفْتُ بَعْضَهُمْ، فَأَخَذَا بِي ذَاتَ الْيَمِينِ، فَلَمَّا أَصْبَحْتُ ذَكَرْتُ ذَلِكَ لِحَفْصَةَ.
فَزَعَمَتْ حَفْصَةُ أَنَّهَا قَصَّتْهَا عَلَى النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَ " إِنَّ عَبْدَ اللَّهِ رَجُلٌ صَالِحٌ لَوْ كَانَ يُكْثِرُ الصَّلاَةَ مِنَ اللَّيْلِ ". قَالَ الزُّهْرِيُّ وَكَانَ عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بَعْدَ ذَلِكَ يُكْثِرُ الصَّلاَةَ مِنَ اللَّيْلِ.
Narrated Ibn `Umar: I was a young unmarried man during the lifetime of the Prophet. I used to sleep in the mosque. Anyone who had a dream, would narrate it to the Prophet. I said, "O Allah! If there is any good for me with You, then show me a dream so that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) may interpret it for me." So I slept and saw (in a dream) two angels came to me and took me along with them, and they met another angel who said to me, "Don't be afraid, you are a good man." They took me towards the Fire, and behold, it was built inside like a well, and therein I saw people some of whom I recognized, and then the angels took me to the right side. In the morning, I mentioned that dream to Hafsa. Hafsa told me that she had mentioned it to the Prophet (ﷺ) and he said, "`Abdullah is a righteous man if he only prays more at night." Az-Zuhri said, "After that, `Abdullah used to pray more at night." [Bukhari]
- Abu Saeed was also a teenager. He did I'tikaf with the Prophet ﷺ in the Masjid.
عَنْ مُعَاذِ بْنِ جَبَلٍ قَالَ قَالَ النَّبِيُّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ يَا مُعَاذُ أَتَدْرِي مَا حَقُّ اللَّهِ عَلَى الْعِبَادِ قَالَ اللَّهُ وَرَسُولُهُ أَعْلَمُ قَالَ أَنْ يَعْبُدُوهُ وَلَا يُشْرِكُوا بِهِ شَيْئًا أَتَدْرِي مَا حَقُّهُمْ عَلَيْهِ قَالَ اللَّهُ وَرَسُولُهُ أَعْلَمُ قَالَ أَنْ لَا يُعَذِّبَهُمْ
Mu’adh bin Jabal reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “O Mu’adh, do you know what is the right of Allah upon His servants?” I said, “Allah and His Messenger know best.” The Prophet said, “To worship Him alone and to associate none in worship with Him. And do you know what is their right upon Him?” I said, “Allah and His Messenger know best.” The Prophet said, “Not to punish them if they do so.” [Agreed Upon]
When did he teach this great principle of Tawheed to Muadh? When he was riding with him.
Take your son or daughter for a ride and talk to them during it. They will listen to you during that time. Talk to them about Allah and about the articles of faith. You do not need to have a classroom, just be a mother to them. Link the teenager to Allah. Make him love Allah and fear Him.
- The Prophet ﷺ once took Ibn Umar's shoulder and said:
كُنْ فِي الدُّنْيَا كَأَنَّك غَرِيبٌ أَوْ عَابِرُ سَبِيلٍ
“Be in this world as though you were a stranger or a wayfarer”
Ibn Umar رضي الله عنه thought about it and then said:
إذَا أَمْسَيْتَ فَلَا تَنْتَظِرْ الصَّبَاحَ، وَإِذَا أَصْبَحْتَ فَلَا تَنْتَظِرْ الْمَسَاءَ، وَخُذْ مِنْ صِحَّتِك لِمَرَضِك، وَمِنْ حَيَاتِك لِمَوْتِك
“In the evening do not expect [to live until] the morning, and in the morning do not expect [to live until] the evening. Take [advantage of] your health before times of sickness, and [take advantage of] your life before your death.” [Bukhari]
The Prophet ﷺ only said those few words, but they understood it and acted upon it.
- He taught Al-Hasan Ibn Ali the Dua of Qunoot which all Muslims now recite in their Qunoot.
- He taught Baraa Ibn Al-Azib the supplication before going to sleep.
#2 - الإستشارة (consultation).
It is important to make the teenager feel that he is important. During the event of the slander against Aaishah, the Prophet ﷺ consulted Ali and Osama Ibn Zaid. Osama was 14 and Ali was also young. The Prophet ﷺ did not consult Abu Bakr who was the most beloved person to his heart, or Umar. He consulted the teenagers.
Consultation has a great effect in the hearts of teenagers. They will feel important and not neglected. Consult them in great matters and give them responsibility because they can take it.
#3 - بناء عاطفي (Emotional building up)
The Sunnah is to show love to teenagers. The Prophet ﷺ said “I love so-and-so” on many occasions. The teenager should feel the love of his parents. Both the the mother and father should show their love to their children and say “I love you”. You don't just love him because he got high marks, you love him because he is your son and she is your daughter.
After the Prophet ﷺ returned from the farewell of Hajj before his sickness, he made Osama Ibn Zaid a leader over an army to go to fight the Romans. Osama was 18 years old at the time and the people criticized his leadership. The Prophet ﷺ said:
إِنْ تَطْعُنُوا فِي إِمَارَتِهِ فَقَدْ كُنْتُمْ تَطْعُنُونَ فِي إِمَارَةِ أَبِيهِ مِنْ قَبْلُ، وَايْمُ اللَّهِ إِنْ كَانَ لَخَلِيقًا لِلإِمَارَةِ، وَإِنْ كَانَ لَمِنْ أَحَبِّ النَّاسِ إِلَىَّ، وَإِنَّ هَذَا لَمِنْ أَحَبِّ النَّاسِ إِلَىَّ بَعْدَهُ "
“If you (people) are criticizing his (i.e. Usama's) leadership you used to criticize the leadership of his father before. By Allah, he (i.e. Zaid) deserved the leadership indeed, and he used to be one of the most beloved persons to me, and now this (i.e. his son, Usama) is one of the most beloved persons to me after him." [Bukhari #4469]
The Prophet ﷺ said this in front of all the companions. He gave the teenager importance and did not look down upon him. This increases the confidence of the teenage.
As this army left Madinah they heard the news about the death of the Prophet ﷺ, so they did not proceed until Abu Bakr was made Caliph. The people then said not to send Osama. Abu Bakr swore by Allah that he would not change the plan of the Prophet ﷺ. They proceeded and Allah made them victorious over the Romans.
- Tell your children you love them.
- Give them responsibility. If you treat them like children, they will behave like children.
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