تربية المراهقين
Tarbiyah of Teenagers
Many psychologists call this stage 'The Stage of Madness'. But in Islam, teenagers are responsible people (مكلفين). Do not think that the One who commanded them to take on responsibility did not prepare them for it. The Shari'ah magnified the matter of المراهقة; Islam focused on this stage and gave it great importance. It is the age of discussion, responsibility, understanding, and obligation.
The Shari'ah says that the مراهق is obliged to act in accordance with Allah's order; to perform the acts of worship which Allah, الحكيم (The All-Wise), enjoined upon him. Allah will not ask the teenager to do something beyond his scope, because as He said in the Qur'an [2:286]:
"Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope."
The مراهق is thus fit and ready to perform the obligations. The changes that happen in the مراهق are to help him carry out the commands of Allah.
During this stage, teenagers start feeling sexual desires and want to fulfill it. This is normal. But because they are hasty, they may not act in the right way. They are required to restrain themselves.
How did Islam deal with this matter? Look at the attitude of the Prophet ﷺ:
Imam Ahmad recorded Abu Umamah saying that a young man came to the Prophet and said,
"O Messenger of Allah! Give me permission to commit Zina (unlawful sex).'' The people surrounded him and rebuked him, saying, "Stop! Stop!'' But the Prophet said,
«ادْنُه»
(Come close) The young man came to him, and he said,
«اجْلِس»
(Sit down) so he sat down. The Prophet said,
«أَتُحِبُّهُ لِأُمِّك»
(Would you like it (unlawful sex) for your mother) He said, "No, by Allah, may I be ransomed for you.'' The Prophet said,
«وَلَا النَّاسُ يُحِبُّونَهُ لِأُمَّهَاتِهِم»
(Neither do the people like it for their mothers.) The Prophet said,
«أَفَتُحِبُّهُ لِابْنَتِكَ؟»
(Would you like it for your daughter) He said, "No, by Allah, may I be ransomed for you.'' The Prophet said,
«وَلَا النَّاسُ يُحِبُّونَهُ لِبَنَاتِهِم»
(Neither do the people like it for their daughters. ) The Prophet said,
«أَفَتُحِبُّهُ لِأُخْتِكَ؟»
(Would you like it for your sister) He said, "No, by Allah, may I be ransomed for you.'' The Prophet said,
«وَلَا النَّاسُ يُحِبُّونَهُ لِأَخَوَاتِهِم»
(Neither do the people like it for their sisters.) The Prophet said,
«أَفَتُحِبُّهُ لِعَمَّتِكَ؟»
(Would you like it for your paternal aunt) He said, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Messenger! may I be ransomed for you.'' The Prophet said,
«وَلَا النَّاسُ يُحِبُّونَهُ لِعَمَّاتِهِم»
(Neither do the people like it for their paternal aunts.) The Prophet said,
«أَفَتُحِبُّهُ لِخَالَتِكَ؟»
(Would you like it for your maternal aunt) He said, "No, by Allah, O Allah's Messenger! may I be ransomed for you.'' The Prophet said,
«وَلَا النَّاسُ يُحِبُّونَهُ لِخَالَاتِهِم»
(Neither do the people like it for their maternal aunts.) Then the Prophet put his hand on him and said,
«اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ ذَنْبَهُ، وَطَهِّرْ قَلْبَهُ، وَأَحْصِنْ فَرْجَه»
(O Allah, forgive his sin, purify his heart and guard his chastity.)
After that the young man never paid attention to anything of that nature.
When the Prophet ﷺ asked him the above questions, he was setting rules for correct thinking. The matter had blocked the teenagers mind from thinking correctly, so when the Prophet ﷺ asked these questions, he was slowly bringing his mind back to normal. He did not just ask one question, he asked him many, to bring him to the right path gradually and slowly.
يعقله - He was making him mindful
This boy was hasty and not thinking correctly, so the Prophet ﷺ was making him alert and mindful by these questions; by putting matters in their right place.
I.e. If you are a believer, you like for people what you like for yourself. The person you commit Zina with is a sister of someone else, the daughter of someone else, the mother of someone else. If you do not like it for yourself, then similarly people do not like it for their sisters, daughters, mothers.
Because the boy was brought up in an Arab community which was a conservative environment where the sense of honour was high, he had protective jealousy, which nowadays the enemies of Islam have plucked out from the hearts of our children. This dialogue may not benefit the youth who is brought up in a family where this is normal, because his natural disposition is distorted. This distortion of the فطرة (natural disposition) is the result of co-education in early stages. When children grow up, it is normal for boys to talk to girls and girls to talk to boys. This dialogue will also not benefit the person who is brought up with the thinking that this is backward.
The مراهق is thus a sane person, who is ready to have discussions. He has foundations built within his فطرة (natural disposition) which Allah created him with:
a) المسلمات - Matters which he accepts without dispute
b) المستقبحات - Matters which his nature sees as bad
c) المستحسنات - Matters which his nature accepts as good
Therefore it is not difficult to bring him back to the right path. If his فطرة (natural disposition) is not distorted, he will accept with little discussion. He will go back to his رشد (guidance). The Prophet ﷺ talked to this teenager and discussed with him. He had a man to man discussion.
The مراهق is a person who understands and accepts if you talk to him gently. When you discuss with him, you should lay the foundations for him one by one, because he is now distracted and confused. But you have to discuss without being angry, punishing, shouting. Do not be aggressive when you discuss with teenagers, because this will affect them negatively.
Even those who have not attained puberty are responsible for their actions and have to act upon the Shari'ah. You have to draw your teenagers attention to the fact that he is an adult now and responsible for his actions. Allah said in Surah Nur [24:58]:
"O you who believe! Let your legal slaves and slave-girls, and those among you who have not come to the age of puberty ask your permission (before they come to your presence) on three occasions; before Fajr (morning) prayer, and while you put off your clothes for the noonday (rest), and after the 'Isha' (late-night) prayer. (These) three times are of privacy for you, other than these times there is no sin on you or on them to move about, attending (helping) you each other. Thus Allah makes clear the Ayat (the Verses of this Quran, showing proofs for the legal aspects of permission for visits, etc.) to you. And Allah is All-Knowing, All-Wise."
"ليستئذنكم" - Take permission before Fajr, after 'Isha, and before Thuhr.
If children have the responsibility of taking permission before Fajr, after 'Isha, and before Thuhr, before they have attained puberty, then when they have attained it, they are responsible to take permission all the time.
Allah mentioned that the People of the Cave were فتية - they were youth from among the high noble families. Their youthfulness did not turn them away from looking for the right path.
The teenager can thus think and take correct actions. He can be guided and carry out the commands. Therefore, he is responsible.
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