#1 - Tarbiyah of Teenagers - (15/3/18)

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

27/6/1439

تربية المراهقين 

Tarbiyah of Teenagers

Most educators and parents have a problem with this category of children. Some ask: After my child was so obedient and calm, why is he behaving differently now? Why did he change? 

Others say: My daughter isn't the one I brought up as a child. She's a different person.

These statements are due to lack of knowledge about the stage of المراهقة. 

Linguistic Meaning:

مراهقة is derived from the word رَهَقَ or أرهَقَ. This word has many meanings. Knowing these meanings help in our dealings with teenagers:

a) To come close/ To approach 

This meaning is mentioned in a Hadeeth reported by Al-Bukhari Number 60:

عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو، قَالَ تَخَلَّفَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم فِي سَفَرٍ سَافَرْنَاهُ فَأَدْرَكَنَا وَقَدْ أَرْهَقْنَا الصَّلاَةَ صَلاَةَ الْعَصْرِ وَنَحْنُ نَتَوَضَّأُ، فَجَعَلْنَا نَمْسَحُ عَلَى أَرْجُلِنَا، فَنَادَى بِأَعْلَى صَوْتِهِ ‏ "‏ وَيْلٌ لِلأَعْقَابِ مِنَ النَّارِ ‏"‏‏.‏ مَرَّتَيْنِ أَوْ ثَلاَثًا‏.‏

Narrated `Abdullah bin `Amr: Once Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) remained behind us in a journey. He joined us while we were performing ablution for the `Asr prayer which was overdue . We were just passing wet hands over our feet (not washing them properly) so the Prophet (ﷺ) addressed us in a loud voice and said twice or thrice, "Save your heels from the fire."

"أرهقتنا الصلاة"

The companions were waiting for the Prophet ﷺ to join them in prayer, until they were coming close to the time of the next prayer.

I.e. They are in one place/state and are approaching another place/state.

The مراهق is the person who is coming out from the stage of childhood and coming close to the stage of adulthood and youthfulness. He is either the person who is coming close to puberty, or who is already mature and is coming close to adulthood and youth (شباب). This is a normal stage in the life of the human.

b) Hastiness (العجلة)

Teenagers are hasty in their decisions and actions, and this hastiness makes them make a lot of mistakes.

Ibn Al-Manthoor in Al-Lisaan mentioned other meanings:

c) Lying

d) Recklessness

e) Violence

f) Foolishness

g) Committing prohibitions 

h) Destruction

المراهق was the little companion of the Prophet ﷺ during the battle who stood on the tips of his toes to look tall, in order that the Prophet ﷺ choose him for battle. His ambitions were starting to become like the ambitions of the men.

Girls who are twelve or thirteen like to wear high heels and measure their height next to you. These are all messages for you: That they are adults; they are women now. But many mothers don't understand.

This stage is neither a praiseworthy stage nor a blameworthy stage. It is a normal stage in the life of a human; all humans go through this stage. But this stage is characterized with certain characteristics which you should know well.

#1 - Teenagers are going through many physical changes. Boys start to look like men, and the girls have the features of women. 

#2 - In this stage, الإستقلال الفكري (Intellectual Indepence) begins. The child starts to judge situations. He wants to tell you: I can talk, I can judge, I have an opinion so respect my opinion. 

#3 - Teenagers do not want to be attached to their parents anymore; they want to be independent.

#4 - They are characterized with violence in their reactions because of the changes that are happening in their bodies. A simple word may make them violent, cry, scream. This is normal. 

Why are all these changes happening? For a purpose. Allah is preparing them for taking the responsibility of carrying out the religious obligations. They are entering the stage of التكليف الشرعي (Legal Obligations). They will not be able to carry out unless they change and become strong in body to carry out these responsibilities.

#5 - Teenagers will talk with the same concepts you have taught them when they were children. Whatever you taught them to be good, they will consider good. Whatever you taught them to be evil, they will consider evil. If you do not want to have problems when they are teenagers, you need to put efforts during childhood. Most of the problems parents face with their teenagers is because they neglected teaching them when they were young. 

Young children are easy to be controlled and they do not discuss nor even express. As soon as they reach puberty, they start to express their feelings and thoughts, and you have to listen to them. The feedback of your teachings is coming out now. The correct Tarbiyah during childhood will help you a lot in dealing with teenagers when they up.

How can you expect a girl who was not taught about modesty  to wear Hijab when she is older? Do not ask your teenagers to do while you did not teach them all that when they were children. Parents complain, and instead of putting the blame on themselves, they put it on their teenagers. 

#6 - Western Psychologists call this the stage of insanity or madness and try to impose this idea on Muslim societies. This definition is evil, because the youth will then take this definition as an excuse to do wrong. They will say: Do not blame me, this is something in me, I am mad. 

We do not accept this. When you see how the Prophet ﷺ dealt with Teenagers, you would know that they were mindful, intelligent, sane. Yes, teenagers are hasty, violent in reaction, but they are not mad. They are sane people.

When one deals with Teenagers knowing the above characteristics, they will help him overcome the problems he faces during this stage.