بِسْم الله الرحمن الرحيم
16-3-1438H
Tarbiya of Children begins from the age where they start speaking back and responding (about 3+) to before puberty. During this age, you should build up the correct concepts in them through the situations you go through, by repetition. During this age, children are ready to accept the divine teachings.
Many mothers are concerned about how to teach their children, more than what to teach their children. How is upon Allah - He is the One who brings the situations to help you teach them. What should concern you as a mother or teacher is what to build in them.
The ages 8,9,10 are the ages where they are ready to be told to pray the voluntary prayers. Start with the Witr Prayer and the Sunnah of Fajr, then slowly build it up.
The Dua Qunoot
The Prophet ﷺ was the grandfather, teaching his grandson concepts which he would need in his life.
Concept #1 - الهداية (Guidance)
"اللهم اهدني" (O Allah, Guide me)
When your child becomes 8-10 and asks for your advice to do something, do not give him your opinion on what to do; make him attach his heart to Allah. Say: Go ask Allah, and Allah will guide you. Allah knows and I do not know. You are responsible for your guidance and the decisions you make.
When you tell this to the child, he will become afraid. He is alone, his mother is not supporting him, he is responsible for his guidance. His fear and need for guidance will make him ask Allah for it. But if everytime he runs to you and you support him and guide him, he will never run to Allah for guidance.
And sometimes we may suggest things and they fail, then come blaming you for their failure. From the beginning you should tell him that you do not know, but Allah Knows.
Telling your child to ask Allah for guidance entails that you have to teach him how to make دعاء. When you tell him to ask Allah guidance, and he asks where, do not just say in your prayer. You have to tell him how and where in his prayer;- When you are in prostration; the position where you are nearest to Allah, and be truthful when you ask.
Teach him the manners: Ask Allah with a heedful heart, not while your heart is here or there. Allah will not accept a Dua from a heedless heart.
If he comes to you and says his supplication was not answered ask him: Where you truthful when you asked? Allah promised in the Qur'an that he will answer, He said [In 2:186]:
"And when My slaves ask you (O Muhammad ﷺ) concerning Me, then (answer them), I am indeed near (to them by My Knowledge). I respond to the invocations of the supplicant when he calls on Me (without any mediator or intercessor). So let them obey Me and believe in Me, so that they may be led aright."
..go and ask again
He comes back and says it is not answered: Say: Do not be hasty, the Prophet ﷺ said:
يُسْتَجَابُ لأَحَدِكُمْ مَا لَمْ يَعْجَلْ يَقُولُ دَعَوْتُ فَلَمْ يُسْتَجَبْ لِي
"One of you will be responded to, so long as he is not hasty, saying: ‘I supplicated, and I was not responded to.’” [At-Tirmithi #3387]
They need to be taught the manners. You should teach him how to make Dua, be patient, heedful, persistant, step by step. We do not want them to come tommorow and say Allah did not guide me. If you ask Allah for guidance truthfully, Allah will guide you. But this is because you did not ask Allah for guidance.
You need to teach your child how to ask Allah for guidance, because they need it. And guidance is guidance where Knowledge + Action is combined - where Allah shows them the way and guides them to act upon it.
Say: You are responsible for your choice and the outcome. Do not come and blame me. Then he will invoke Allah before every step he takes.
"في من هديت" (From among those you have guided)
In other words: O Allah, in the same way you guided those before us, bestow upon me your beneficence and graciousness, and guide me as well.
O Allah make me from among the good people whom you have guided - "صراط الذين أنعمت عليهم" - to the path of those whom You favoured, and bring me out of the group of bad people.
When you see your son or daughter accompanying bad people, tell him to ask Allah guidance to make him from among the people whom Allah guided.
Don't you want to be among the Prophets, Messengers, The Righteous? Collect your heart when you say:
and Allah will make you from those who are rightly guided.
We have to emphasize the matter of guidance in the hearts of children. And do not lose hope when you see your son or daughter accompanying bad people. Have hope in Allah. Haven't you seen people who were bad in the past, not guided, and suddenly you find them wearing Hijab, memorizing Qur'an, attending classes? Allah guided her. In the same way Allah guided these people, ask Allah to guide your son and daughter. Allah guides whomever He wills.
Allah is العليم الحكيم - He knows if you are truthful and want to be guided. But if you are not truthful, Allah knows, and will not guide you. So be truthful with Allah. We need to emphasize this to our children.
Concept #2 - العافية (Wellbeing)
"وعافني فيمن عافيت"
العافية should be a goal your child should seek to attain in both this world and the next. When you ask for العافية, you are asking Allah for wellbeing in your heart, body, in everything you own.
When explaining عافية to your child, you need to draw his attention to the importance of his heart. The heart is a very important organ. Allah is watching your heart. If your heart is reformed, your entire body will be reformed. If your heart is corrupted, your entire body will be corrupted. It is your heart you should worry about and seek العفية for. The heart can become sick and you are responsible to find the cure for it. You are responsible to know the sicknesses of the heart. Ask Allah for عافية.
You emphasize this concept through the situations they go through:
E.g. You take him to the market to buy clothes:
I don't like this colour
Why?
This is the colour of the porters in the street
This indicates you are belittling the workers, and they may be better than you. When you look down upon them, it indicates you have pride, and the Prophet ﷺ said:
لاَ يَدْخُلُ الْجَنَّةَ مَنْ كَانَ فِي قَلْبِهِ مِثْقَالُ ذَرَّةٍ مِنْ كِبْرٍ
He who has in his heart the weight of a mustard seed of pride shall not enter Paradise." [Muslim #91]
Your heart is sick and needs عافية. Ask Allah for العافية.
E.g. When you have guests your daughter is so energetic. As soon the guests leave, she goes to her room and closes the door. She has the sicknesses of Showing Off. Do you know what showing off is? Minor Shirk. And Allah said in Surah An-Nisa [4:48]:
"Verily, Allah forgives not that partners should be set up with him in worship, but He forgives except that (anything else) to whom He pleases, and whoever sets up partners with Allah in worship, he has indeed invented a tremendous sin."
E.g. Her sister got a gift at school. She is not happy and starts to criticize it. This indicates حسد (Jealousy) - You have Hasad in your heart, and have to ask Allah for عافية. If you do not cure it, it will ruin your good deeds.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
لاَ يُؤْمِنُ أَحَدُكُمْ حَتَّى يُحِبَّ لأَخِيهِ مَا يُحِبُّ لِنَفْسِهِ
"None of you believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself." [At-Tirmithi]
E.g. She goes go buy something. She wants something special, different. I want to be unique. This indicates إرادة العلو - To be high; haughtiness in the heart. Allah is showing you the defects of your children. Do not ignore or neglect them. If you neglect them they will grow old with them and you may have a child who is a doctor or an engineer, but their hearts will be full of sicknesss. They grew up with these sicknesses without their parents telling him what sicknesses they have. It is therefore your responsibility to draw the attention of your son or daughter to the sicknesses of the heart. This means that you should learn the sicknesses of the heart first, so that you are able to diagnose them. You need to mention the Verses or Hadith in order to cure them.
You have to say it again and again until they become aware. العافية of the heart is more important than health of the body. Because if the heart is in عافية, the entire body will be in عافية.
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