بِسْم الله الرحمن الرحيم
2-2-1438H
1) المرحلة الإنقياد - The Stage of Submission
During this stage, the child takes in any information you give him. He obeys without objection, regardless if what you tell him is good, bad, right, or wrong. Therefore you should be careful to give him the correct information. It is important to build up concepts in him during this stage.
2) المرحلة القناعية - The Stage of Conviction
This is during the age of puberty.
Children during at this age are not stubborn nor not convinced easily. During this stage, whenever they come across any thought, whether it is through media, friends, the school environment, etc. if they like it, they will adopt it, try to convince others to accept it, defend it, and fight for it. This is the meaning of the Stage of Conviction.
This is a very dangerous age, because children may get wrong thoughts. Look at ISIS - most of them are youth. Someone deceived them with this idea, they found it good, and started to adopt, defend it, and fight for it.
Therefore it is one of the blessings of Allah upon a youth to be brought up in an environment which holds fast to the Qur'an and Sunnah; it is a favour of Allah upon that youth if He guides him to someone who teaches him the Qur'an and Sunnah.
This stage could continue with a person until he is 25, 26, 27 years old.
3) المرحلة الرقابية - The Stage of Observation
In this stage a person turns from someone who is under the education and Tarbiya of others to self-education. Based on the information he received when he was young, he will observe and nurture himself. This begins at about the age of 27 until the end of his life.
This is why it is encouraged for girls and boys to get married early, so they will mature faster and reach this stage earlier than others. When they are responsible for a family, they will plan. If they fail, they will check and observe their actions and correct it.
At the second stage, the person could be driven away by his thoughts. But do not be afraid; if you did your duty towards him when he was young and built up the correct concepts in him, then he will come back to what you taught him soon. It is only a few years of madness. It is natural; the Prophet ﷺ said:
"إن الله عز وجل ليعجب من الشاب ليست له صبوة"
"Indeed, Allah Almighty is amazed by a youth who does not have an inclination to his desires." [Ahmad]
There are mothers who are worried about their children at this age. You should sit with your children at this age and discuss thoughts with them until they are convinced. You need to talk to them like adults. There are many others who deal with their children as if they are still children; not understanding the children are grown ups now, with their own thoughts, behaving in their own way. You need to sit down, discuss, open your heart to him. He may talk senseless things - listen to what he is saying, even if it is foolish. Discuss it with him until he is convinced, but make sure you teach them the correct concepts, which are based on the Qur'an and Sunnah.
This is what you should be doing - not yelling or fighting with them. They are not your enemy. Otherwise you will lose your son or daughter.
And they like discussion and can spend hours doing so. If you do not discuss, they will adopt that wrong thought and apply it, because no one convinced them that what they were doing was wrong. Do not lose your children.
From where will we get the concepts? The Qur'an and Sunnah
A good example of this is the Dua Qunoot. It comprises of 5 requests based on 5 beliefs.
In another narration it is mentioned with the addition:
لا ملجأ ولا منجا منك إلا إليك
There is no fleeing from and no refuge from You except with You
Request #1 - Guidance
Request #2 - Wellbeing
Request #3 - Allah's Special Allegiance (His Support, Love, Help, Guardianship)
Request #4 - Blessings
Request #5 - Protection from every Evil
Belief #1 - Allah Commands and no one can pass a command on Allah
Belief #2 - He whom Allah befriends is not Humiliated
Belief #3 - He is not honoured whom Allah has Humiliated
Belief #4 - Blessed is Allah and Exalted
Belief #5 - There is no Fleeing from Allah and no refuge except with Him
You tell your son or daughter: Make these 5 requests your goal to attain in life. If you take care of these 5 requests and make it your goal, you will be saved in this world and the next.
You need to make your child think of these 5 requests, be keen and put effort to attain it.
Request #1 - الهداية Guidance
One if the most important things which the youth neglect is عبادة الإستهداء (Seeking Guidance from Allah). We should teach our children to seek guidance from Allah.
E.g. He runs to you saying: "I don't know what to get, should I do this or this?"
Instead of giving him your opinion, tell him to seek guidance from Allah first. We do not know the future, if it is good for them or not, but Allah knows. Every time he comes to you, direct him to Allah. This should be done when the child is 9+.
E.g. He wants to befriend someone. Neither you nor he knows if this friend is good or bad. Tell him to ask Allah to guide him to the best friend.
The one who seeks guidance from Allah has a heart full of fear - fear of loss, misguidance, confusion, wasted efforts.
We should therefore teach our children that guidance is their responsibility. Do not run to me, ask Allah to guide you. You are now grown up and can decide, but do not make a decision until you ask Allah for guidance first.
Because many mothers do not give this responsibility to their children, so their children always run to them, thinking that even if they make mistakes, they have their parents to support them. If they fall into any sin and wrongdoing, their parents can take them out of it. We made them feel like that, because we did not make them feel like they are responsible.
Tell your child that he is responsible for the friends he chooses, so do not come to me if anything happens. He will be aware that he is responsible; so what should he do? Go ask Allah for guidance.
The Prophet ﷺ taught Ali رضي الله عنه to say:
Many parents think that children will make mistakes and when they grow up they will learn. This is wrong. It is your responsibility to teach them what is right and wrong from when they are 3 years old.
You should teach your child three things:
1) You should make him understand that he needs guidance in all his affairs
2) He should ask Allah for guidance
3) He has to seek the guidance of Allah in every single one of his affairs, whether minor or major.
The companions used to even ask Allah for guidance when buying salt. We should teach our children to not be hasty, to seek guidance from Allah, until they start doing it on their own.
When he asks for guidance, he asks for the two types of guidance:
1) الهداية الإرشاد - For Allah to show him the right from wrong, to make him understand.
2) الهداية التوفيق - The strength to act and follow that guidance
In short - الهداية is guidance to Knowledge + Action.
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