Tarbiya 13 - (10/11/16)

بِسْم الله الرحمن الرحيم

10-2-1438H

Having children is a great gift from Allah, which we should thank Him for. However, those who have children show ingratitude to Allah, especially when they have many children. They look at children as a burden over them, or something against their interests. Many parents may practice ingratitude without them realizing.

One way of showing gratitude is knowing that their increase in number (i.e. having more children), is an extension of good deeds after your death. Whatever they do of good deeds will be in your record. It is a great blessing from Allah if you have many children and grandchildren. But only those who are deprived feel this blessing;- and it is not logical to feel the importance of a blessing every time we miss out on it. We should feel that whatever Allah gives us is a blessing.

The Prophet ﷺ said in many narrations: 

"تَزَوَّجُوا الْوَدُودَ الْوَلُودَ فَإِنِّي مُكَاثِرٌ بِكُمُ الأُمَم"

"...Marry women who are loving and very prolific, for I shall outnumber the nations by you" [Abi Dawud #2050] 

You will be acting upon the command of Allah and the Prophet ﷺ in the Qur'an when you get married and have children. And do not limit it to just one or two, have more.

Another form of ingratitude (بطر) is towards the Tarbiya of children. Nowadays we live in security, and in a community where there are no wars, and we can bring up our children in a safe environment. We should thank Allah for making it easy for us. We can send our sons to the Masjid without feeling afraid or worried. In some countries they kill children whose name is Omar. We do not have this here, so we have no excuse to not send our children to the Masjid, establish the 5 prayers, go for Jum'ah. This is how you thank Allah for the blessing of children. Do not show laziness in sending them to the Masjid or in acting upon the command of Allah. Because you will be rewarded for his walking to the Masjid. You will benefit from it after your death and on the Day of Judgement.

Another form of ingratitude is that many parents neglect teaching their children Tawheed. The parents are Muwahhideen but they neglect teaching their child who Allah is, and the Oneness of Allah, because they are busy, have no time, or say "they see us practicing, they will also become like us."

India, many centuries ago, was a place of Tawheed. But because parents neglected teaching their children it, there are more than 365 religions in it now; there are more idols and false gods being worshipped than the number of days in the year. It was a place of Tawheed, but they showed ingratitude to Allah, by neglecting to establish Tawheed in their country and with their children. You find that most people go to graves and shrines; they call themselves Muslims and they commit Shirk. 

Tawheed moves from place to place. When people do not practice Tawheed, it moves to other people and places, where they appreciate it. It was in the Aranian Peninsula, and the  went to India, and came back to the Arabian Peninsula. 

It is a duty on mothers to teach the children the religion. And the most important are the Rights of Allah.

We have to teach our children important concepts from childhood. When you establish these concepts in their hearts now, they will use these concepts which you implanted and cultivated in them, when they grow up until they die.

E.g. Knowing the Reality of this Life

1) Their Origin

This is by teaching them the Story of Adam عليه السلام. Allah created Adam from dust, put his soul in him, made him speak, taught him everything.

So whenever your child sees a cartoon film where there is a man from the stone ages with an axe in his hand and who cannot talk, he will know it is wrong - because Allah said in Surah Ar-Rahman [55:1-4]:

"The Most Beneficent (Allah)!"

"Has taught (you mankind) the Quran (by His Mercy)."

"He created man."

"He taught him eloquent speech."

This all contradicts the Qur'an and Sunnah. Your role as a mother should be to teach your son and daughter, to know the story of Adam عليه السلام in brief, and how Allah honoured him by making the Angels prostrate to him. And you should teach them how Allah honoured the children of Adam عليه السلام above all the other creation in [17:70]:

"And indeed We have honoured the Children of Adam, and We have carried them on land and sea, and have provided them with At-Taiyibat (lawful good things), and have preferred them above many of those whom We have created with a marked preference."

And you should tell him about the Shaytan. He should know that the Shaytan is his enemy from that age. So whenever he does anything wrong tell him: The Shaytan is making you do this; he is your enemy. And use the words of the Qur'an;- "يوسوس" - (The Shaytan whispered and suggested).

When you tell him this, he would know what made him do wrong.

One of the activities that was done with 9 year old kids is that they went throughout the Qur'an and picked up all the verses of what the Shaytan does with human beings. So in the end, the children became aware that there is something called Shaytan, who makes them do evil.

2) Their Final Destination

You have to tell him about death and the Day of Judgement, but in a nice way:

Look at the sun. See how it starts and becomes strong and dies, but Allah makes it rise again. This is the cycle of everything in life. The moon starts as a crescent, becomes full, then dies, then Allah makes it rise again.

And humans too. We will all go through this cycle. Death is a stage, after which you will go to a wide place. You will leave this constricted life, to a pleasant life - if you do good. If you obey Allah, you will enter a life where you get everything you like.

You keep on telling your child this information repeatedly. Do not say I told him once. Allah created children loving repetition. 

Imagine children like an empty well. You are giving him information. But this information will not satisfy him, you need to repeat and repeat the same information until you fill this well; where he reaches an age where it is filled; he does not need that information anymore; where he will be the one telling you the information. But you need to repeat the same information again and again, do not change your words; do not confuse him. 

E.g. You tell him: Allah is in the heavens

He might come again and ask you, where is Allah? 

You say again: Allah is in the heavens

This happens again and again until the well of this same piece of information is filled, and he is satisfied. Then you add to this information: Allah is over the Heavens, Rising over the Throne.

3) The Reality of this Life

What is this life? You have to tell him this life is the abode of tests. You start telling him this when they are 6 years old and above.

He may not understand what you are saying, but tell him and he will take in that information. He will start feeling this piece of information when he becomes 10 or 11, when he starts dealing with friends and schools. 

He may come to you crying saying his friends are laughing at him. Tell him: This is a test for you. Do not say: Your friends are bad. Say: This is your test; how will you answer them?

Allah said in Surah AlMulk [67:2]:

"Who has created death and life, that He may test you which of you is best in deed. And He is the All-Mighty, the Oft-Forgiving"

Allah created life and death to test us - to test who is the best in their deeds. Tell your child to do good and they will receive good from Allah. Do good and you will go that delightful life after death. Watch your record, because there Angels on your right and left shoulder. The one on the right writes good deeds, and the one on the left writes bad. Whenever he does something wrong, say: Which angel is writing? 

E.g. When he prays on time, tell him: "This is a good deed! Which Angel is writing it? - the one on the right or left?"

You are teaching him belief in the Angels, through the situations he goes through.

So when he comes to you complaining that his friends are laughing him. Tell him: this is your test, if your response is good, the result will be good.

According to what will you say that something is good or bad? According to the Qur'an. Emphasize whatever Allah praised and mentioned as good in the Qur'an as something good. And do the same for bad. And make sure you use the wording from the Qur'an.

When Allah sent Adam عليه السلام to earth, He said, as mentioned in Surah Ta-Ha [20:123]:

"(Allah) said:"Get you down (from the Paradise to the earth), both of you, together, some of you are an enemy to some others. Then if there comes to you guidance from Me, then whoever follows My Guidance shall neither go astray, nor fall into distress and misery."

We should follow the guidance of Allah. So whenever your child goes through a situation tell him what Allah Loves and Hates and what to do according to the Qur'an.

E.g. You tell her: Watch your heart - based on the Hadith:

"تُعْرَضُ الْفِتَنُ عَلَى الْقُلُوبِ كَالْحَصِيرِ عُودًا عُودًا فَأَىُّ قَلْبٍ أُشْرِبَهَا نُكِتَ فِيهِ نُكْتَةٌ سَوْدَاءُ وَأَىُّ قَلْبٍ أَنْكَرَهَا نُكِتَ فِيهِ نُكْتَةٌ بَيْضَاءُ حَتَّى تَصِيرَ عَلَى قَلْبَيْنِ عَلَى أَبْيَضَ مِثْلِ الصَّفَا فَلاَ تَضُرُّهُ فِتْنَةٌ مَا دَامَتِ السَّمَوَاتُ وَالأَرْضُ وَالآخَرُ أَسْوَدُ مُرْبَادًّا كَالْكُوزِ مُجَخِّيًا لاَ يَعْرِفُ مَعْرُوفًا وَلاَ يُنْكِرُ مُنْكَرًا إِلاَّ مَا أُشْرِبَ مِنْ هَوَاهُ

"Temptations will be presented to men's hearts as reed mat is woven stick by stick and any heart which is impregnated by them will have a black mark put into it, but any heart which rejects them will have a white mark put in it. The result is that there will become two types of hearts: one white like a white stone which will not be harmed by any turmoil or temptation, so long as the heavens and the earth endure; and the other black and dust-coloured like a vessel which is upset, not recognizing what is good or rejecting what is abominable, but being impregnated with passion" [Sahih Muslim #144]

Whenever he does any good ask him: Is this a white or black dot on your heart? Until he watches his heart and is careful not to do any wrong.

RULE: Correct information will make the child think correctly, and when the child thinks correctly, it will lead him to act correctly.

When your child behaves wrongly, it means he did not think correctly. And he did not think correctly because you did not give him correct information. So you are responsible. So do not blame him, blame yourself. Wrong behaviour is because of wrong thinking. And children think and imagine a lot. 

-> Tell him this life is the abode of tests

-> The Manhaj you follow in distinguishing good and bad is the Qur'an and Sunnah

-> The duration of this test is your lifetime

-> Tell him the result of his actions: If you do this, you will get this.

Based on the Hadith:  

"عجبا لأمر المؤمن إن أمره كله له خير، وليس ذلك لأحد إلا للمؤمن : إن أصابته سراء شكر فكان خيراً له، وإن أصابته ضراء صبر فكان خيراً له"

"How wonderful is the case of a believer; there is good for him in everything and this applies only to a believer. If prosperity attends him, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him; and if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is better for him". [Muslim] 

The result: That is good for him

Whenever he is upset because of his friends, tell him: This is your test, will you be patient? If you are patient, that will be good for you. Allah loves الصابرين; Allah is with the صابرين. 

And use the words and rules from the Qur'an, not from yourself. This means that you as a mother should be knowledgeable of what Allah said in the Qur'an and the Prophet ﷺ said in the Sunnah.

So the whole life consists of Patience and Gratitude. We should either be patient or grateful.

And the eyes of children are on the mother. If they see that you are grateful, they will be.

E.g. They see you opening a gift, and you say ".....If only it was another a colour, etc.". They will learn ingratitude from you. But if you say, "This is from Allah. Allah chose this for me, Allah knows what is good for me" the child will grow saying the same words you are saying.

This is how you teach your children. Your child is graduating from your school; you are responsible for them.