بِسْم الله الرحمن الرحيم
When we fulfill the two conditions for a good deeds to be accepted:
In repetition there is benefit.
What should our Aqeedah be when we bring up our children?
The Tarbiya of children is an act of worship, and we should hope that Allah will accept this deed from us and reward us for it on the Day of Judgement. المحتسب always thinks of the hereafter. It is as if she is saying: "O Allah. I am doing this action for you, so make it a means of me entering Paradise and saving me from the Hellfire."
When will our Tarbiya be accepted by Allah?
1) Sincerity
2) Following the Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ.
We should raise our children for the sake of Allah alone, hoping for the reward from Him alone. Not as a way of habit, custom, to show off, boast, out of desire (such that you only teach your child what you want to teach him). We should purify our intention and perform the action solely for Allah.
المحتسب hopes that this action of Tarbiya will be added to her scale on the Day of Judgement. And she is afraid of something. In Surah Zumar [39:15]:
"So worship what you like besides Him. Say (O Muhammad ﷺ): "The losers are those who will lose themselves and their families on the Day of Resurrection. Verily, that will be a manifest loss!"
What is the manifest loss? Losing oneself and ones family on the Day of Judgement. This means that the abode of the person will be the Hellfire. المحتسب fears this loss. So he raises his children up, looking at them as a trade with Allah. They will either be a profitable commerce or a loss for him.
The loss is either that the one will be saved in Paradise and the other will be in Hell, or both the parent and child will be in Hell. None of us wants any of this to happen.
المحتسب thinks of this loss on the Day of Judgement. In this world our children are always with us and we never think of seperation. When we do seperate, for travel for example, we know that it is temporary. But on the Day of Judgement there will be a separation where there is no reunion after. In Surah Ar-Rum [30:14]:
"And on the Day when the Hour will be established, that Day shall (all men) be separated (i.e the believers will be separated from the disbelievers)."
What actions should I make الإحتساب (Hoping for the reward) in?
When you wake your child up for prayer, when you plan how to guide them, when you are patient in raising them up, in taking them to school, in bringing them back from school. Make إحتساب when you show your children your feelings.
E.g. Your child did something wrong and you showed him you are angry for the sake of Allah. Hope for Allah to reward for feeling this feeling of anger.
E.g. When they do good, pray on time, help someone, show him that you are happy and ask Allah to reward you for this feeling in your heart.
Ask Allah to accept it from you and not allow the reward of even your feelings to be lost. In short, make إحتساب in everything - in your feelings, in your actions, in your utterances, in your thoughts.
What will help me have إحتساب?
1) Knowing that whatever your teach your children of good is considered an extension of your life after your death. Whatever you teach them, they will teach their children, and their children will teach theirs, and so on. You will get the reward for all this while you are in your grave; as if your life has been prolonged.
2) Knowing that Allah prepared your child to easily accept the divine teachings, in order for you to be معلم الناس الخير - A teacher of good to people.
The Prophet ﷺ said:
فَضْلُ الْعَالِمِ عَلَى الْعَابِدِ كَفَضْلِي عَلَى أَدْنَاكُمْ إِنَّ اللَّهَ وَمَلَائِكَتَهُ وَأَهْلَ السَّمَوَاتِ وَالْأَرَضِينَ حَتَّى النَّمْلَةَ فِي جُحْرِهَا وَحَتَّى الْحُوتَ لَيُصَلُّونَ عَلَى مُعَلِّمِ النَّاسِ الْخَيْرَ
"The superiority of the scholar over the worshiper is like my superiority over the least of you; verily, Allah, His angels, and the inhabitants of the heavens and the earth, even the ant in his hole, even the fish, send blessings upon the one who teaches people to do good." [At-Tirmithi #2685]
You do not have to be a preacher at a centre to be considered a teacher of good. When you teach your child Surah Al-Ikhlas, good manners, etc. you are considered a معلم الناس الخير.
This will help the mother to not to be bored, tired, murmuring and grumbling all the time. She will be happy when raising her children.
3) Remembering the loss and seperation after which there is no reunion on the Day of Judgement.
4) Knowing that if both the children and parents are righteous and enter Paradise, even if one is in a lesser degree in Paradise and the other is higher, Allah, as a blessing, because He likes to make his believing slaves happy and their hearts delighted - will elevate the rank of the one in the lower degree in Paradise to the higher degree. This is based on the verse in Surah Tur [52:21]:
"And those who believe and whose offspring follow them in Faith, to them shall We join their offspring, and We shall not decrease the reward of their deeds in anything. Every person is a pledge for that which he has earned."
However, Ibn AlQayyim and Ibn Uthaymeen said this is concerning the offspring who are still under their parents guardianship. Those who separated from their parents and got married have their own families and children.
Allah created our children with a sound فطرة (Natural Disposition); ready to accept and receive the divine teachings. This little child has feelings. He has feelings of fear, of love, of hate. What should we do as mothers regarding these feelings? We should direct them towards Allah - to love Allah, to fear Allah, to love what Allah loves, to hate what Allah hates.
E.g. Children are born loving the good doer. They love whoever does good to them. And Allah is the Absolute Good-Doer.
But what we do is make our children feel like we are the ones doing good to them. That we are the ones feeding them, taking care of them, spending on them. Their father is providing them, the ATM machine gives money. We make them feel that whenever they need anything they have their father, mother, the bank, the ATM machine to run to. So instead of being attached to Allah, The Real Bestower, they become attached to other than Allah.
So when this child reaches an age when he becomes bold and answers back, and you order him to pray, he may say, "Why should I pray?" while in his heart feeling what did Allah do for me in order that I have to pray to Him?
We made our children think in that way when we made them believe we are the ones doing good to them, and not Allah.
What we should have done is made our children visualize the Hadith Qudsi in which Allah says:
يَا عِبَادِي كُلُّكُمْ ضَالٌّ إِلَّا مَنْ هَدَيْتُهُ فَاسْتَهْدُونِي أَهْدِكُمْ
O my servants, all of you are astray except for those I have guided, so seek guidance from me and I will guide you.
يَا عِبَادِي كُلُّكُمْ جَائِعٌ إِلَّا مَنْ أَطْعَمْتُهُ فَاسْتَطْعِمُونِي أُطْعِمْكُمْ
O my servants, all of you are hungry except for those I have fed, so seek food from me and I will feed you.
يَا عِبَادِي كُلُّكُمْ عَارٍ إِلَّا مَنْ كَسَوْتُهُ فَاسْتَكْسُونِي أَكْسُكُمْ
O my servants, all of you are naked except for those I have clothed, so seek clothing from me and I will clothe you.
Whenever you are feeding your child, remind him - this food is from Allah, Allah feeds us. These clothes are from Allah, Allah clothes us. You tell him this when he is four years old. When he is 7 or 8 he will naturally ask Allah to give him clothes and food. But if you do not bring him up on this, he will say Mother I'm hungry, Mother I need new clothes.
How many of us, when we feel hungry, raise our hands and ask Allah for food? Because we were not raised up in that manner.
Seize every opportunity or situation you go through with your children and implant the actions of Allah in their hearts. Direct the feelings of your child to Allah - to love Allah, to Fear Him, etc.
As soon as your baby opens his eyes in the Dunya, He should hear that Allah is the Good-Doer, Allah is One who Gives,etc.
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