"كل عمل لابد له من مبدأ و غاية"
"فلا يكون العمل طاعة و قربة إلى الله حتي يكون مصدره عن الايمان"
"فيكون الباعث عليه هو الإيمان المحض"
"لا العادة و لا الهواء و لا طلب المحمدة و الجاه و غير ذالك"
"بل لابد أن يكون مبدؤه محض الإيمان و غايته ثواب الله و ابتغاء مرضاته"
"و هو الاحتساب"
[الرسالة التبوكية للإمام ابن قيم]
الهواء
The mother who raises up her children based on her desire only teaches her children when she wants to and is in a good mood, and leaves them when she doesn't feel like it. Or she only teaches her children the matters which concern her, not what Allah wants her to teach.
E.g. There are mothers who are obsessed with social etiquettes. Because is their main concern, they dedicate all their effort to teaching their children manners; how to eat, where to put your shoes, what to do with your dirty clothes, and punishes them if they don't do it, until her children become like machines following these orders. She wants to show her mother and sister in law that her children are well mannered.
And if you ask her about her 14 year old daughter who doesn't wear Hijab, she says, "What can I do, I tell her but she doesn't listen"
If she gets the slightest opposition from her children about things she isn't concerned about, she leaves them. The problem isn't in the children, it's in the mother.
E.g. When mothers help their children with homework, they overly give importance to science, math, English, going as far as getting tutors for all those subjects, and brush over Islamic studies, or leave it to the children to study themselves because it's 'easy'. They focus on the former subjects telling their children they won't get jobs if they don't get degrees.
When your child sees that your concern and effort is directed towards those subjects and not Islamic studies, he'll grow up feeling religion is unimportant. He grows up belittling the religion. So don't wonder when you see your children not practicing the religion.
We see the youth nowadays having no respect towards religion, falling into atheism. This is because of the parents ignorant. Allah gave you a gift, your child, and the way you taught and nurtured him caused him to end up like this.
The child grows up constantly hearing that he needs to study in order to pass, and get a degree in order to work. If he doesn't pass, he won't get a job. He grows up constantly hearing that he should be an engineer or Doctor. That he should compete with his friends to get the highest grade. To be good in class so the teacher gives him good marks. He grows up while you're magnifying the Dunya in his heart. You're bringing up a child who will become a hypocrite tomorrow - who'll do actions seeking the Dunya, and showing off. This is something very serious.
If الهواء prevails in the heart of the mother, it'll be very difficult to pluck out. If you question the mother, she'll excessively argue back and defend her ideologies. الاحتساب makes a person overcome her desires.
و لا طلب المحمدة و الجاه
Don't seek praise or position amongst people. Don't do it because you want fame amongst your community, or you want your Mother in Law to praise you, etc.
Seeking praise is something natural in human beings. Everyone loves to be praised. Allah created it in our nature. Why? In order to practice Tawheed by it; to seek the praise of Allah. But instead of directing it to Allah, we direct it to people while doing the good deed - and that's Shirk.
The Prophet ﷺ told us that everyone has a reputation in the heavens. Whoever has a good reputation there, will have that reputation placed for him on earth. And whoever has a bad reputation in the heavens, will have that placed for him on earth.
And the Prophet ﷺ said:
"إن الله تعالى إذا أحب عبدًا دعا جبريل، فقال : إني أحب فلانًا فأحببه، فيحبه جبريل، ثم ينادي في السماء،
فيقول: إن الله يحبفلانًا، فأحبوه فيحبه أهل السماء، ثم يوضع له القبول في الأرض،
وإذا أبغض عبدًا دعا جبريل فيقول: إني أبغض فلانًا، فأبغضه، فيبغضه جبريل، ثم ينادي في أهل السماء، إن الله يبغض فلانًا، فأبغضوه، ثم توضع له البغضاء في الأرض".
"When Allah loves a slave, He calls Jibril and says: 'I love so-and-so; so love him.' And then Jibril loves him. Then he (Jibeeel) announces in the heavens saying: Allah loves so-and-so; so love him; then the inhabitants of the heavens (the angels) also love him; and then people on earth love him.
And when Allah hates a slave, He calls Jibril and says: 'I hate so- and-so, so hate him.' Then Jibril also hates him. He (Jibril) then announces amongst the inhabitants of heavens: 'Verily, Allah hates so- and-so, so you also hate him.' Thus they also start to hate him. Then he becomes the object of hatred on the earth also". [Agreed upon]
The person who knows this thinks of his reputation with Allah. He looks at what Allah loves and then performs it, and looks at what Allah hates and avoids it. He seeks the love of Allah and the inhabitants of the heavens. He doesn't care if the creation or people love him, because he knows if they love him, it's because Allah made them love him.
All these narrations should be alive in our hearts when we raise and teach our children. Do it because you want Allah to love and be pleased with you - not because you want to hear words of praise during parent-teacher meetings. Don't let your concerns be limited to this world. Let your concerns be the next world.
Our problem is that we suffer from weak faith.
What should we hope? In [4:104]:
This verse was revealed with regards to Jihad. Allah tells the believers not to be faint hearted when they are in pursuit of the enemy - if you are suffering, they are also suffering - but you have something they don't: You hope from Allah what they don't hope. This is the difference between you and the disbelievers.
Apply this to the Tarbiya of the children. All the people of the earth, whether believers or non-believers, west or east, raise their children. And they all suffer as you suffer when you're raising your children. But what's the difference between you and them? When you raise your children you hope for the reward and pleasure of Allah.
As-Sa'di said in interpretation of this verse:
"أنكم ترجون من الله ما لا يرجون، فترجون الفور بثوابه و النجاة من عقابة، بل خواص المؤمنين لهم مقاصد عالية و آمال رفيعة من نصر دين الله، و إقامة شرعه، و اتساع دائرة الاسلام، و هداية الضالين، و قمع أعداء الدين"
You have hope in Allah, a privilege which the disbelievers do not enjoy. It is because of this hope in Allah's rewards and exoneration from His wrath that the faithful constantly endeavor to aid and support Allah's religion, enact His laws, guide the misguided, and completely destroy and uproot the enemies of the religion.
"فهذه الأمور توجب للمؤمن المصدق زيادة القوة، و تضاعف النشاط و الشجاعة التامة؛ لأن من يقاتل و يصبر على نيل عزه الدنيوية إن ناله، ليس كمن يقاتل لنيل السعادة الدنيوية و الأخروية، و الفوز برضوان الله و جنته، فسبحان من فاوت بين العباد و فرق بينهم بعلمه و حكمته"
Hence, all these things become a reason for increase in the strength of the true faithful and their valiance and alertness grows manifold.
The person who only fights for gaining the bounties and reverence of this world, even if he observes perseverance in it, cannot be equal to the person who fights for gaining Allah's pleasure, bounties of both this world and the hereafter, and entry into Paradise. All praise is to Allah who created this distinction, due to his unlimited and unmatched wisdom and knowledge.
You hope that by raising up your children you're supporting the religion of Allah, increasing the number of Muslims on earth - thus decreasing the number of disbelievers, establishing Allah's religion in the land.
If your children are good, they'll pray, fast, spend, help, and support the religion. But if they act like the children of the disbelievers, wear the clothes they wear, talk, and behave like them, what are you increasing? Muslims should be distinguished from the disbelievers.
Don't let your greatest concern be for your children to become doctors or engineers. Let your utmost concern be children who obey Allah - not children who are weak in faith, ignorant, whose main concern is the Dunya.
Know that if you're a mother or teacher, you're a winner regardless if you get the result of your work in this Dunya. You may die and not see the fruits of teaching in this life. But you'll get the reward in the hereafter.
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